Day 87: Staring Down the Barrel

If you’re auditioning for a stunt job or an acting role, the probability of getting it is exactly equal to the number of roles you fit, divided by the number of candidates.

P = R / C, always

Today the audition is for a dramatic role. No stunts, no acrobatics. Stunts are a lot easier than drama, and safer.

Part 1: The Monologue

It’s a fun crew, and we chat for a while, but now it’s time to get down to it. At the director’s request, I’ve prepared a 90-second monologue.

Here’s how this sort of thing goes: You shake hands and make smalltalk, then you sit in the hot seat, clear your throat, and they start the camera.


…and then everyone gets quiet and looks at you, just the same way you look at a spider when you’re deciding whether to kill it, put it outside, or just watch while the cat eats it. Sometimes they even roll up the script.

I’ve adapted some lines from Dr. Reinhardt in The Black Hole. In retrospect, something from Young Frankenstein would have been a much better choice.

Part 2: The Screaming

For the second part, we’re working from the script.

(Note: To respect the secrecy of the production, I’ll change the type of weapon involved, and also the type of fruit.)

In this scene, the character contorts his face, weeping in pain and anguish and fear, and screaming the word “PINEAPPLE!!” while a very beautiful, very scantily-clad woman threatens his life with a machete.

No, I’m not kidding.

Yes, it’s fun. This kind of thing hardly ever happens at work.

There actually is a beautiful (though respectably dressed) woman, which is helpful. The character is supposed to be thinking “How did I get myself into this?” and that’s funny, because I’m thinking that anyway.

The chance of getting this role is slim (about 1 in 12 or so), but that doesn’t matter. The audition alone was well worth the time, and I’m done screaming for the whole week.

As I’m leaving, another machete-girl walks in, and takes a seat in front of the camera.

Random assertion: Some days it’s useful to broaden your sense of what’s normal.

Steganographic data: 1808/2.1

Published in: on August 14, 2008 at 7:02 pm  Leave a Comment  
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